I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
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(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
first you must answer his riddles