What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
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My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
We’ve all been there
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy