What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
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Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
sigh
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!