“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
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*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back