What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
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WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked