Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
You Might Also Like
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺