WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
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Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.