What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.