What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
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I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Hero horse inspires millions
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
i made a craigslist ad !
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits