What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
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This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
$3 #books
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.