Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
You Might Also Like
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!