[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
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It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.