What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
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My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.