What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
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“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Snapes on a plane.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.