What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
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I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.