What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
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Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
#JohnTravolta
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.