What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
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My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?