What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
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Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Hitlers gonna hitl
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday