What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
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[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”