What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
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Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.