What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
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Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
craving $300 all of a sudden
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this