What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
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I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
How funny!
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.