What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
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I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.