What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
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Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater