This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
You Might Also Like
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Basically.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet