What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
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Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine