@rogueMUGA: What idiot called him Alexander graham bell instead of lord of the rings
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@Donna_McCoy: My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like "The one who eats all the donuts" and "Don't tell her there's pizza in the kitchen".
@RobElliottComic: [having sex] Me: CHECK IT OUT NO HANDS! Her: USE YOUR HANDS! Me: *raises the roof*
@ericsshadow: "dad, what does extravagant mean?" idk son. why don't you ... [i turn to my wife using $100 bills to light the fireplace] ask your mother
@Kimpulses: A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?