Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
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officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?