What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
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“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Tremendous stuff
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose