@fabulouscop: what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
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@kiel_phillips: ME: Dave's coming over for tea WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I'm having a secret affair with? DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don't eat peas
@shesananteater: One day I'm gonna go to work without my glasses and they're gonna be like, "Who's that hottie?" and I'm gonna be like, "WHO IS SAYING THAT?"
@joejwest: [creepy mansion] ME: That portrait is watching us MAN: No way ME: [goes right up to portrait] I'm vegan PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes] ME: I knew it