what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
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I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
absolute chaos
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us