@Fun_Beard: What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
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@envydatropic: A coworker just asked if I had any "mouth water" and I am thoroughly confused by this
@jenstatsky: Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I'd like to steal from a bank.
@Haha_No_Mofo: My doctor told me, "DON'T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
@GuyThe_Guy: I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.