What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
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Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
giddy up Office Depot
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.