What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
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A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.