my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
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Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Support your local cemetery
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
✌️
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.