What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
![]()
You Might Also Like
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
translated into Canadian
![]()
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
![]()
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Best misinterpreted text ever!
![]()
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.