What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
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Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
wtf is a larm clock?
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My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
that de-escalated quickly
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.