What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
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Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
I’d … I’d rather not.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.