What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
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If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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