@punmagnate: What idiot called it a rattlesnake's warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
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@WhatsHerFace33: Friend - You smell nice, what's that perfume you're wearing? Me - Fear and fabric softener.
@CrissySpeaks79: My 7 year old son told me "You're the most beautiful mommy ever!" I asked him what he did and where's he hiding it.
@Ameiam: People are always like "you're so crazy" and I'm all like "please take off the restraints, I promise I won't do it again".