What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
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Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.