What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
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Penguins walking in 5x speed
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it