What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
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Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W