“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
You Might Also Like
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I think about this a lot
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Hotels are back