What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
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Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
channeling her this year
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers