What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
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Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.