joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
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Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.