The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
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I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
why am I working on Labor Day
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Saturday
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Cinematography is my passion
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.