I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
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Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.