What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
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Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.